After carefully analyzing every possibility, when you finally respond, it turns out all they wanted was the phone number of your dog groomer. I said I didn't have any expectations of him, but I wanted to take ownership and say "I'm sorry" and took responsibility. Even if you do respond, make sure you can do so in an indifferent manner, says Jaseena. It creates so much confusion because your ex's actions are conflicting. When were facing something scary, we do like to hear about people whove survived a similar threat or something even worse. I didnt feel empowered by her reaching out, just felt sad more than anything else. Were your one-stop destination for unraveling the mystery that is love. Just the prospect of talking to an ex after years is bound to give you a lot of anxiety. 1. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. An ex could disappear by ignoring you or by ending the conversation and staying out of contact afterward. Youll set your own pace and see if your ex agrees. Personally I've never reached out to an ex - but my abusive ex of 5 years reached out to me. Discussions must remain civil at all times, and women must be allowed to dominate the discussion. The bitterness, anger, and disappointment buried deep down may rear their ugly heads when this text lights up your screen. QueasyAllday 1 yr. ago ouch TX_Farmer I sent an ex a sincere apology letter. You should be careful so you dont misinterpret your exs behavior and get mislead and hurt. They could have seen something on social media and became unable to stop thinking about you. As most of the comments say it depends on how the relationship was. Here are 7 reasons your ex might pop up months (or even years!) Your ex wasnt committed to coming back. 2021 now (keep in mind weve known each other since we were 6, now 22) Stopped talking in 2019 cause I screwed a lot up being a bad friend (during the aftermath she was too. So, I am trying to find someone to talk to, who will be unbiased toward my situation. After 4 years, my ex reached out to me asking how I have been (The end of our relationship was somewhat mutual. We also struggled with communication but we were young so makes sense lol). By reaching out, they determine whether their ex hates them, likes them, loves them, respects them, or feels neutral about them. What does it mean when an ex contacts you years later? Getting back together with an ex years later is possible. Here are 7 reasons your ex might pop up months (or even years!) There was a lot of love in your dynamic before, and that may have turned to affection and warmth. But years later, they realize they could have worked their way through their problems and that breaking up was a mistake. Your ex-partner must have kept a tab on you. Do what's best for you. Despite going on several dates after breaking up with their ex-partner, they never met anyone worth having a serious relationship with. When your ex girlfriend reaches out after a long time of no contact, the emotions come back, old passions flare, and your brain starts spinning around wondering what the heck you should do. I had my ex reached out after 2 years of no contact after cheating on me and treating me poorly during the relationship. Closure, like forgiveness, is something you do for yourself. If your relationship ending with your ex has left you in a therapists room, it is wiser to leave the ex in the past. In some cases, exes break up and get back together more than once due to unhealthy relationship patterns or beliefs. They know they could never have given you the life you have now. The phrase that "there is safety in numbers refers to our primal need to belong to a tribe of kinpeople and extended kinfictive kin is a word that is used by some groups to describe the close friends who serve in the roles of aunties, uncles, grandparents, etc., even without a blood or legal tie. Lets explore the possible reasons behind an ex trying to make their way back into your life: Exes come back after months. Bonobology.com is the couple-relationship destination for Indians everywhere! I read it and deleted it without responding. Perhaps they dont have the energy to get to know another person from scratch, to reach the level of ease and intimacy that you shared. Some couples break up in the heat of the moment for ridiculous reasons. Somepossible reasonsfor rekindling the relationship include regretting the break-up, the ex is a better partner, and they were soul mates. He said hed been having dreams about me and wanted to see if Im ok and that was it. They get curious or nostalgic, so they reach out via text, call, or social media. She said she feels guilty for our relationship (as I was involved with someone else at the time.) It was so dumb, just irrational avoidance and not being ready yetThe five-year gap was apparently not enough, lol. Its important to mention that this is a dangerous place to be in because it satisfies a void, and you forget why you broke up in the first place. However to say a rocky marriage would be an understatement. I doubt that that's why he would reach out, he's the one who got apologies from me shortly after the breakup (which he did get shortly after, but probably not in the most though through way) thanks for sharing. We dont often think about emotional labor as work, but it IS indeed work. I had an ex find me 12 years after we broke up and reached out to me. But apparently it has haunted him for 12 years enough to find me and ask. Im not sure if Im doing the right thing. reg-o-matic 5 yr. ago After close to 20 years, my ex wife reached out to apologize. Why would an ex contact you years later? What do you expect out of this renewed relationship? A year later one of his fraternity brothers reached out and let me know how he was doing and "he's really sorry for the pain he inflicted, can't you forgive him?" It makes them feel so inadequate, they want to see if they can disrupt it. I didnt reach out to an ex-partner but I reached out to an ex-friend. In addition, we might reach out to friends who have been there before, and dealt with a life-altering event. Your heart might start beating faster the moment you get a text from the ex but take a few minutes to think about the consequences if you end up meeting the ex again. Your ex is an ex for a reason, and giving them attention when your present life is fulfilling isnt really worth it. What if the ex just wants to hook up and would want to do it with someone familiar rather than a stranger? They Want A Shoulder To Cry On If youre feeling a bit confused and overwhelmed by your ex contacting you, speak to a trusted friend or family member. At the time of our relationship, I was still keeping a lot to myself emotionally. When an ex contacts you, you need to weigh the pros and cons practically. Also, if you had fixable problems in your relationship that they didnt solve when you were together, they might have changed that about themselves and pop up in an attempt to show off or get you back. No matter what the scenario is, it will take some time to settle your thoughts if you have to handle an ex coming back years later. I'm Sorry for What Happened His email said that he'd had some things on his mind. But the only one I have on social media now is the one that took my virginity. Remember, friendships are often place-bound or time-bound relationships and their remembered intensity may be reflecting more about the intensity of that period of your life rather than the depth of that friendship. They started dating in 2003 when they were in university. 6. Someone in their life could have randomly brought you up in conversation. We'd dated in high school, and our break-up was sudden and immature. Even if I couch them in "we didn't know any better, but you did X"? Sometimes, I want to reply but my partner is visibly upset about it, so I havent so far. Years after that, I was going to be back in our old area again. :-/ They left. I understand someone might just want a quick chat. Youll probably experience a flood of emotions when you get that message, so getting an objective opinion will help you look at things from a different perspective and make the right decision. When your ex finally does that, youll quickly regain your power and be able to say how you want things to go. The following four steps can help you work through the process. I'm ashamed to say I panicked and hid. Its strange to call your ex to find out if they think the same as them, but it happens because you still feel connected to your ex. He ended up forgiving me and it was a wonderful feeling, to not have to carry around that burden anymore. It was like a weight lifted. Although your ex could want you back, its much more likely that he or she will just want to find out how you feel about him/her and try to learn what youve been up to. If you have a close friend or someone who knows your history with your ex, spill the beans about the text and ask for advice. I just this week had an ex reach out after 20 years. I wouldnt bother replying to an ex who dumped me years ago, even if Im unattached. This is considered breadcrumbing as he was concerned about your health. Three words: Manage your expectations. The X-Men timeline desperately needed to sync up at one point, and 2014's "X-Men: Days of Future Past" was the vehicle that helped mash together the multiple versions of "X-Men" history. But other times, a conversation with your ex can also provide your ex with an opportunity to: When your ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend contacts you years later, your ex finally gets over the anger, disgust, contempt, or suffocation caused by unhealthy perceptions and becomes okay with talking with you. He thought were friends and the fact that he cheated on me was very conveniently swept under the rug. You should be able to talk to whoever you want, but keeping your partner informed in this regard is wise. I didnt reply. Maybe theyve spent the past couple of years thinking about how perfect you were together and that they havent had a better relationship since. You are not the first one to deal with this adverse state of affairs. You might be the kind of person who does not stay friends with their exes and the sudden texting might throw you off guard. It may seem a bit strange to ask your ex that, but dont worry about that. It was like a weight lifted. The bottom line is that if youre thinking about starting the relationship again, you must think about it carefully. Nothing will raise your chances of reconciliation higher than when your ex reaches out to you after he or she has had the time to think thoroughly. Something bad must have happened to her that made her want to clear he conscience. He asked me if I would give him the opportunity to say them to me. The tests may show that the baby is active and healthy, and the amount of amniotic fluid is . If your only reason to respond to the text is to get that closure, its better to leave the text on seen. If your ex talks nicely to you for a little while and then doesnt talk to you for weeks, that could mean that your ex got what he or she was after. It seems that her anxiety or whatever she felt disappeared when she started talking to you again. They do whatever it takes to reconnect with an ex because their ex can make them feel better. But they didnt click with anyone. It means that you must wait for your ex to verbalize or show what he or she wants. But heres what you should consider doing when you discover that your ex: To conclude, here are 7 things to do when an ex contacts you years later. There may be many reasons when an ex contacts you years later or out of the blue. You are right that there probably isn't a deeper meaning t9 it. Consider whether your ex is entitled to this kind of work from you. Most people spend their lives seeking perfection in a partner only to realize that there is no such thing as perfection. When an ex contacts you years later, make sure you dont actively try to turn it into a guilt trip for them. She apologized for everything and expressed a desire to be friends again. My ex messaged me after a year. I suggested spending more time together at hers, or going away together somewhere to stay for a period. My husband gave me the grace to get extremely needed closure with him. Get your dose of relationship advice from Bonobology right in your inbox. Seeing your ex after a long time could be extremely overwhelming. Long time. If you catch yourself spiraling a little, it's OK.. ETA: He's the one who dumped me. The next time was about 5 years after that. Its up to you, but she is married, after all. I'm not annoyed by it, I just don't understand if it makes sense? So much was tied up inside because of a difficult home life, hadn't learned yet to really let all that flow out. I haven't reached out because I think he's married. These may be friends, family members, and love interests whom they may have wounded emotionally or with whom they fell out and its totally normal to want to find a way to resolve longstanding issues and gain a sense of peace. So, depending on that, choose if you want to keep any contact with your ex. I'll just say I've never seen it work out super well in real life (or, it's worked out but in a way where the ex wasn't actually needed for closure). They could, and that one little text has the power to turn your life upside down. First, it helps normalize our experience and our feelings. Despite their problems in their relationship, they were soul mates, and theyd never been able to find such a deep connection with anyone else since the break-up. In such situations, it is important to understand that the ex is texting when the ex feels like it. We were both in happy LTR's, so there was no flirting or anything like that, but it felt really good to speak honestly and openly. We all think back and wonder why it what if or how different have I become? For many adults, that can fuel the attraction to Facebook friends from high school daysthey remind us of a time when we were more self-assured than we might be now, more carefree, and probably with a greater sense of agency in our lives. Now shes unblocked me and sent me messages saying shes moved and wants to tell me something or speak to me about something but I personally dont feel ready to talk as I dont want to be put back into that same place I was mentally. I am considering contacting my ex that I havent had contact with I over 5 years. I saw them looking around. Until that happens, you dont do anything. They dont get to stalk you on social media and meeting you in person is beyond their reach. If youre focused and working on your goals, will your ex become a distraction? You DO NOT have to maintain a protocol, thinking that itll be too rude to not reply. This helps us in two different ways. You gave her a chance and she blew it. ), I reached out 1-2 weeks ago (2-years later), got no response. You get to decide whether to forgive her and alleviate her guilty conscience. Dont reach out with specific expectations about an old friends responsereach out because you would like to hear their voice again and check in, and nothing more. Often, urges to contact an ex may come up at the end of an unhealthy relationship and not for healthy ones. Getting an outside opinion from someone can prevent this thing from venturing into the tricky territory of hot-and-cold and help you maintain the blissful life you have been leading since the breakup. I cant say for sure, but its time for you to move forward from this person. Secondly, it also gives us evidence that others have successfully faced similar challenges. But ultimately, she wanted me to know that she feels bad for how mean she was to me when we broke up. After a few weeks of talking, take the plunge and suggest the two of you meet face-to-face. That's an interesting angle I did not consider, I'm glad it helped! Pro tip: Keep your mind open and your heart closed. 7. So, we have jotted down these 8 points for you to ponder on before you decide to reply to that text. You might have completely moved on and be having the time of your life then suddenly, heres your ex. Life can be so cruel at times as she was the love of my life and my heart never let me forget her. Video calls with loved ones are really meaningful when youre not getting to see anyone outside of your own reflection in the mirror. I feel a lot better then I did then knowing the what ifs., I'm sorry she did not get back to you, I understand wanting to heal a friendship. Exes sometimes need years to process the breakup and find reasons to communicate. When you receive a text or call from an ex years after the breakup, the very first thing you must do is learn why your ex reached out to you. Acknowledge it. They dont want to hear how youre doing through the grapevine. My breakup recovery method for men combines science, first-hand . No but an ex reached out to me after 15 years to commiserate because hes stuck in a bad marriage and a bald, portly man now. It can be confusing when your ex reaches out after years because you dont know what their motives are. Three times in ten years sounds just like he wants some (very minimal) contact with someone who he spent five years of his life with. The first time he reached out, he called me a monster because I aborted a pregnancy I had with him when I was 15. Good emotional support is tough to come by out there in the cold, dark dating world. Basically, he sent me a very long email (that's his way of communication.) She purposely chose to ignore it. What is their intention? We dont sign up for certain catastrophes in life. [9] It can be a shock to get a random text or phone call from your ex. When this no-contact situation casts its shadows on your ex, they will look for opportunities to get in touch with you. You just sit tight and wait for your ex to reveal what he or she wants. Since you can never really know why they contacted you, you shouldnt make assumptions about anything. They want to hear it from you directly. He was. If the person ghosted you leaving you in dire need of closure, you might feel tempted to respond to their message. Several reasons exes may contact you are below. Observe the way he or she speaks to you and see how long it takes for your ex to lose interest and stop talking. I once reached out though, in a moment of guilt and stress, to an ex in attempt to apologize for everything that happened (at that time 4yrs in the past. I was tired of her treating me badly subtly, so I unfriended, deleted, and we stopped talking a few months. Like a lot of reasons on this list, this might be totally unconscious. Perhaps you thought youd completely moved on, but their message reminds you of all the good times that you didnt even know you had buried away. Its kind of like the phrase about not lending money to friends if you cant afford to lose it. later: Unfortunately, the knowledge that youre there still pining away for them (whether your are or not) can be just the springboard that they need to feel good about themselves. Exes might get back together if the reasoning for a breakup was mutual or based on uncontrollable life circumstances. I think you should let this one go. I wished him well too. On the contrary, the partner who initiated this breakup would get a reality check. He sent me another not long after, again I read it and deleted it. As if you both needed a reason to get even more heavily chemically attached to each other. Maybe shed met someone else and lost interest because of him. Dumpers just dont care if youve changed or not because when they reach out, they have no expectations of you and still see you the way they saw you prior to the breakup. Its not helpful, though, to go into any reconnection with too many expectations. Honestly, I have never found that sentiment to be true. This helps us in two different ways. Thank you for being you. You can do one of two things, listen to what your ex has to say, or ignore them. But this article is so important and healthy ways for dumpeees. Always so grateful. Youve probably told your partner all about your ex, and why you broke up. I understand why one might feel this way to be honest. 2010 The Thought & Expression Company, LLC. You are about to put a lot at stake here. On a whim, I looked to see if he was on Facebook. Just a comment on the "closure" part of Your post: no you don't. Just take your time. It is okay if he contacts you after so many years.